Well, sweeties, it’s Auntie Cee here again, and it’s time. Time for those of us with delightful young adults still living at home to face up to the fact that - as much as we may want to deny it - we may not have achieved quite what we were hoping for in the Delivering Responsible Individuals to the World stakes.
I mean, of course they are capable of living solo. Many of them proved it, especially if they went off to study. Except, did they? Prove it, that is? If you want to know the answer to that question, I have a simple test for you.
On the occasions when you visited your YA in their accomodation, often after a long drive to reach them, did they pass the litmus test? By which I mean:
Were you prepared to use the loo in their flat?
If the answer is ‘yes’ I suggest that one of the following is true:
You have raised an angel. Be proud. It must be lonely up there on your pedestal - there aren’t many parents who can make this claim. And, perhaps keep it to yourself? No-one likes an alpha parent show-off…
Or…
You are a master of planning and timing who ensured you stopped to use the loo at the final service station before you reached your destination. No judgement if yes - in fact, well done you. We’ve all been there.
Although be careful with your choice of Services; if the only option is Bridgewater on the M5 I suggest you bite the bullet and just pull over onto the hard shoulder… It’ll be windy and probably raining in that part of the world but probably still better than the alternatives. (If you know, you know).
Or…You have the bladder of a champion, and your pelvic floor control is tip-top. As good a reason as any to keep up with those Kegels, I suppose.
Because let’s be honest, wherever you’re taking your YA for lunch, be it the neighbourhood pub, a cafe, restaurant or Maccy D’s, you will hold on until you arrive there. The management are bound to have higher standards than your YA and their flatmates. Hard to reconcile yourself to, I know. But still true.Or…
You are lying, to yourself, your child, and the world in general. We see you - and understand.
Or, possibly and regrettably…You are none of the above and are now completely and utterly desperate and have no other choice than to enter the hell-hole that is a student bathroom. It may be that you foresaw this awful eventuality and have brought your own toilet roll (because, Andrex in a student bathroom? I mean, it has been known, but…).
Or perhaps you’ve managed to find a still serviceable tissue scudding around in the bottom of your handbag. You know; your Fall-back Solution Tissue. Many is the parent who has thanked their lucky stars for this in case of emergency which - if you’re using your YA’s bathroom - it most certainly must be.
If it’s this last one, don’t worry; the advantage of this, dear parent, is that you Will Never Make This Mistake Again. There’s always a silver lining, wouldn’t you say?
But I digress, because given the time of year it’s likely that we’re past tthat for now; our YA’s student accomodation bathroom is - perhaps temporarily, perhaps for the foreseeable future - on hold for the moment, given that they may well be home for the holidays.
Oh, my dears. It’s important, if that is the case, not the set our bars too high. I mean of course we love their company. They are delightful, no doubt about it - we raised them, after all. But getting acclimatised to having our YA at home after they have been allowed to live Wild and Free for a term / a year / 3 years or more can require… well, let’s call it ‘some adjustment’, shall we?
So I have put together a short and by no means finite list. Not a list of things to Expect, gosh; wouldn’t that be sweet? No, what follows is a list of what NOT to expect.
Don’t ‘at’ me, dears. I don’t like it any more than you do, but we are where we are and, as it turns out, we may have raised feral children. (If your YA’s don’t fall into this category I refer you to 1. at the top of this list and ask that you keep your smugness to yourself…)
So, without further ado, here is the DO NOT EXPECT list.
Kitchen Cupboard Doors
Do not expect these to be closed. At least, not all of them, and certainly not all the time. You know, I know, frankly all right thinking adults know; shutting cupboard doors makes perfect sense. To our YA’s however, it seems an anathema.
If you find yourself in this situation it is tempting to leave them open. You might even, in a moment of madness, consider runing an experiment to see just how long this open door travesty continues. But, and I cannot stress this enough; DO NOT RUN THIS EXPERIMENT IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY.
The doors will stay open for ever.
Because your YA’s will either not see them, or worse, they will congratulate themselves that you are finally seeing sense and doing things their way. Plus, you may well end up giving yourself a black eye when you walk into said open doors first thing in the morning on your way to wake yourself up with a coffee.
Breakages
Do not expect to be informed of breakages - whether it’s a glass, a mug, plate or a minor thing like a door handle.
What’s that you say? A door handle is not a minor breakage? Well, it may be important to you, as you struggle to put the recycling out through the back door on Bin Night, but for your YA there is an easy and obvious solution to this problem.
Firstly, you will likely have spent time endeavouring to fixt the problem yourself, and - Gen X being handy like that, you might well have fixed it before Bin Night rolls around. But even if not, our YA’s will simply bring the rubbish through the front of the house. They’re practical like that.
And does it matter if in the process the paint by the front door is scuffed by the supersized cardboard box used to deliver their box fresh trainers and mega packs of protein powder, really? They just won’t mention the marks, because even if they notice them, who knows how and when appeared? Deniability is all…
Household Supplies
Do not expect to be informed when you have run out of supplies.
You should know from previous experience - although you may have forgotten during their temporary secondment to the land of the Wild and the Free - that no food or drink is safe from the scourge of the YA at 11pm. This could equally apply to loo roll, milk, butter, bread, eggs (good lord, the EGGS!), or coffee. No food stuff is safe, frankly.
They will - of course - offer to replace whatever they have finished when confronted with it’s absence, but by the time they’ve surfaced you’ve probably put a wash on, hung it out, walked the dog, run to the supermarket to pick up the missing items and returned home, all fuelled by your early morning rage and resentment at not getting your muesli / caffeine fix / toast and marmalade.
The rage was not helped, of course, by the experience of smacking your head on the kitchen cupboard door left open by your YA in their late night raid only a few hours before, but que cera…
Stationery
Do not expect to be able to find any stationery in your house, ever again.
The pens, the sellotape, the pack of A4 paper, the envelopes, the stapler; all will have migrated… somewhere, on your YA’s return. They are probably under the floordrobe in your YA’s bedroom, but let’s be honest, who wants to check without access to a hazmat suit?
And the Good Scissors? Gone for ever. Buy another pair, hide them, and then buy a third when you thoughtlessly leave those out for a moment and turn around to find them gone, again. Hide these at the back of your underwear drawer or behind the stash of tampons in the bathroom (this one only works if you have sons, but you knew that already).
Toiletries
Do not expect your toiletries to remain your own. Deoderant, shower gel, moisturising cream, shampoo; everything is fair game.
And your favourite nail clippers and razor blades? In the wind, my friends. In the wind.
My only advice here is to buy duplicates of everything and hide your originals, if you’re attached to them. I speak from experience here; in an attempt to fend off the nail clipper bandits in my home I have bought multiple sets which I’ve placed strategically in various bathrooms. And STILL I have to hide my own favourite pair. Are mine better? Well, yes. But surely that’s a benefit of reaching my great age, that I get to hold onto them?
That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I absolutely do.
And so, my dears, we come to the end of my list. It’s not finite, there may be additions - and feel free to add them in the comments box below, if you like - but for now, I leave you with one final suggestion.
Our YA’s have, actually, proved they are capable of surviving without us. So perhaps, while this lovely weather is upon is, we should just leave them to it, stick up the ‘Gone Fishing’ sign, and head off without them?
Obviously, hide your favourite nail clippers and the Good Scissors first, though. But that goes without saying.
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Oh yes, Auntie C. You're right! One must take precautions! And I'm just grateful I don't have to use the YA bathroom when the YAs are home.
It is difficult to use a YA bathroom with your eyes closed. I carry four mini-packs of tissues. You really never know what you will find.
Funny stuff, Clare!